December 9, 2020: Tired of being “IT”

Did you ever play tag when you were a child?

If you don’t know what tag is, it’s when two or more people run after each other until they are tagged “IT”. Once a person is tagged, it is his/her job to touch someone else. The player who is “IT” chases the others, attempting to get close enough to “tag” one of them (touching them with a hand and yelling “Tag, You’re IT“) while the others try to escape. Tag is a simple, fun game to play as a child, but what if you’re an adult and you’re “IT”?

The other day I shared what happened on my MOUTH FAST and that I was going to work on rebuilding MY TEMPLE, which is ME (Spiritually, emotionally, physically). So I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching since my FAST and I apologize if this post sounds like I’m complaining.

Maybe it’s part of the demolition process of old walls inside me or it’s me just recognizing some things that have been eating away at me. Either way, thanks for taking a moment to listen to me. I think I’m learning something, hopefully, in this process.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’M TIRED OF BEING “IT”! There. I feel better. Oh, I guess I should explain. Most of you that have read my Blog, know that I’m a Survivor. I have been abused in my past and I’ve come to the realization that although God led me to healing the wounds caused by the ABUSE, I’ve somehow slipped into a different category of being “USED”. lately I’ve been feeling like a pair of worn out shoes.

That’s the only way that I can think of to describe how I feel right now in this process. I think I’ve been tagged “IT” for so long I don’t think I know how not to be. I almost feel like I’m wearing a big sign sometimes that says USE ME. People that know me, know that they can count on me if they are in need. That’s just who I am.

I have always taken care of people, lots of people as…a Nurse, a Mom, a Wife twice, a Supervisor at the American Red Cross, a Manager of 4 different Retirement homes, a school Nurse (Part of a team of 3 caring for over 2,400 high school students), a Youth Leader, Women’s Group Leader, a care giver for my husband during his 18 month illness until his passing and caring now for a retired police officer with Parkinson’s Disease, being the director of Missions at my church and well, a 24/7 call me if you need anything person. Boy, I’m tired just writing this. I think I need to practice the word NO.

I’ve been a designated “IT” for so long that it’s wearing me down. I’m always doing for others, putting others first and myself last…which I know is wrong. I can’t take care of anyone else if I’m not well, so I guess that’s why I’m writing this. I haven’t taken care of me and my needs for so long it’s starting to show. MY temple is looking a little rough around the edges.

You are probably sitting there yelling at your screen, “JUST STOP THEN!“

That’s just it. I can’t. I know I’m supposed to care for people. I think part of it may be in my DNA – whatever that means. The other is because I’m a FIXER and you do know what that means. Some of you recognize that attribute in yourself…good or bad.

I really can’t help it. I keep hearing God saying in the back of my head… “It is better to give than to receive”, but when am I going to get to be on the receiving end of someone else’s giving?

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” but when are they going to do unto me? Maybe I should watch what I ask for.

“Love your neighbor as yourself”. I do. I just don’t feel any of the LOVE coming back.

‘What goes around comes around’. Alright. I don’t think God said that one, but I have believed in all of these and I’ve tried to live my entire life accordingly. I just feel like everything is going one way and it’s not towards me.

Matthew 19:29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life.

I know. I know. God will bless me for all that I do, but Ugg. Should I even be looking for a blessing? You shouldn’t do acts of kindness because your waiting for a bushel of blessings or payment of some kind.

Isn’t that exactly what I’m doing though? I’m asking for something in return. Ok. I think I just need to stop complaining. This is the human, worn out, me talking. Jesus didn’t complain with everyone pulling at Him all the time, so why should I?…and no I’m not comparing myself to Jesus…or… maybe I should.

All I want to know is, does God remember He tagged me or has He forgotten me and IS God going to ever tag someone to love and take care of ME for a change? If so, how much longer do I have to wait?

I guess if I laid all my cards on the table, I’d say that I’m mad at God… just a bit…maybe more than a bit. I try to live a life serving others, which I do feel God has called me to do, but lately it’s felt like God tagged me “IT” and forgot me.

I’m alone now that my husband has passed away and I guess I’m feeling the “IT” factor a bit overwhelming because there is no one to help hold me up or to simply hold me and encourage me to keep going. I really miss my husband’s hugs…or anyone’s hugs for that matter…darn covid. Uggggg

Ok. I had to stop writing this for a bit to have a good cry (in the shower) and to scream out to God. Yes, scream.. in a low tone as not to scare my neighbors.

Have you ever cried in the shower? Have you ever felt like you just had to yell at God because you don’t think He hears you otherwise? Have you gotten so frustrated and sad about not getting what you NEED (not what You want), that your words come out in tears because the words don’t exist to describe how you feel? I know you can’t see me but can you feel my pain on this screen? God apparently did.

Scripture says, HE KNOWS. He apparently heard me through my tears and in my muffled screams because He answered me right in the midst of the water pouring over my head washing my tears down the drain.

He opened my eyes to show me that He tagged me “IT’ for a reason. He gave me a big heart despite and because of what people and the world have done to me in my past. It’s because of my past that I have empathy and can feel the pain of others. Not everyone can do that. I am here on this earth with PURPOSE and that’s why He TAGGED me “IT”.

He also hit me right in the chest, right in my heart, when He reminded me that He sent His only Son, Jesus, here to save me. There was no one else that could do the job. Jesus was sent here as both God and Man with a Purpose. God tagged Him, as it were. JESUS was “IT” and He was “IT” because of ME. That made me cry even harder.

God also reminded me that He’s ‘tagged‘ many people over time, such as Moses. God touched his heart and told Moses that He needed him to leave the comfort of his new home, his new life and his new wife to save God’s people back in Egypt. Moses didn’t think he was good enough and had doubts about the job just as I do, but God Tagged Moses…“Tag, You’re IT”.

After Abraham showed God that he was willing to sacrifice his only son because God had told him to, God said that He would be the Father of many Nations even when physically it seemed impossible – thus we’re here…God Tagged Abraham… “Tag, You’re IT”.

He called Mother Theresa of Calcutta at the age of twelve to leave her home, become a nun and be a servant to the poor in a foreign country, India, which she did faithfully and with joy until the day she died. God Tagged Mother Theresa…“Tag, You’re IT”.

Billy Graham was the son of a dairy farmer, and God called him during a retreat in 1949, to preach the Gospel instead of going to study in a seminary. He was one of, if not the most amazing Evangelists of our time bringing God’s Gospel to millions around the world.

“Tag, You’re IT“.

Jesus called each of His Disciples, one by one, to leave their jobs, their families, their homes, all that they thought they wanted and needed, just to follow Him and become fishers of men. He called them each by name. “Tag, You’re IT“.

God doesn’t “TAG” people just because. He has a reason. When God sent His Son, Jesus, He didn’t send Him to be served but rather to SERVE and to show us how we are to live and serve others. Our reward is not here. It’s in Heaven and I think there may be a hug or two waiting for me there.

Matthew 20:28…”the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” – but, Jesus was both God and Man.

Did Jesus get tired and need to rest?

John 4:6 Jacob’s Well was there: and accordingly Jesus, tired out with His journey, sat down by the well to rest.

Mark 4:38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

Did He get frustrated? 

Matthew 14:31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Matthew 8:26 And he said unto them, Why are you fearful, O you of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.

Matthew 6:30. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

Did Jesus need to be alone and get away?

Luke 5:16 But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

Luke 6:12 One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God.

Matthew 14:23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone,

Mark 1:35 Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

Was Jesus afraid or in agony over what God was asking Him to do?

Luke 22:44  “And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground”

Mark 13: 33-36  And he took with him Peter and James and John, and began to be greatly distressed and troubled. ³⁴ And he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.”³⁵ And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. ³⁶ And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

We all know the end of that story. Jesus was “IT” until “IT” was finished.

We are each tagged by God and called to be “IT” until we fulfill our purpose as well.

We need to keep going until “IT’s” over but follow Christ’s example and take time to rest, take time to be by ourselves and spend time with God every day to pray. IF WE DRAW CLOSER TO GOD, HE WILL DRAW CLOSER TO US and if Jesus, as the son of God, needed to do all of these things and did them often, it might be wise for us to do the same. Just because I’m tired of being “IT” doesn’t mean I’m supposed to stop serving. It simply means I need to recharge, so I can do a better job of being “IT”.

WE are not alone. I can do this. WE can do this.

Ask God what your PURPOSE is and fulfill “IT”.

Thank you for sharing my journey of rebuilding MY TEMPLE. I wonder where my journey will take me tomorrow?

Blessings to you all, VICTORIA